Tag Archives: winter

Mmmmmm Drop

Holy crap, this 40 degree temperature change is killing me.

I should have stayed in Jamaica. Tom Cruise lived there in Cocktail, why not me?

I guess I would never last out there though, being a third world country, the incessant pot smoking, the snails pace in which people move and those annoying accents.

The people there are way too joyous, or mellow as they say. It really makes me sick. The carefree attitudes, it;s mental.

I don’t want to be mellow and relaxed, I like to be uptight and uncomfortable, it’s my nature.

I’m never going to make it through this New England winter.

On the bright side there are only about 117 days to go, I’m sure it will fly by.

 

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Wintery Weather

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Little Ruthy Hackett is freezing her caboose off, but that won’t stop her from creating hilarity.

What do people who live in the Northeast during the winter and cocaine addicts have in common?

They both shovel snow.

 

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Unjust

autumnfunerals1Today is the first day of spring which got me thinking about how autumn gets the short end of the stick as far as seasons go. You have spring fever, winter blues, summer fun; autumn has nothing. It’s not right. Even when the days are unseasonably warmer in the autumn season they are referred to as Indian Summer. What a gyp! The only thing that autumn has going for it is that it can be called autumn or fall but it doesn’t feel like those are fair reparations, does it Mother Nature? I personally think that this is just nature racism since after all, autumn is the season when the leaves are colored. Is there an arborist Reverend Al that we can contact about this?

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I Make It Snow On Them Hos

cold-ice-winter-blue

Yesterday was Winter Solstice, the commencement of the winter season. It is also the shortest day of the year as far as hours of daylight. This may be one of my favorite days of the entire year. Although many find the lack of light depressing I like it because I am not a fan of sunlight. It is too bright and I have sensitive eyes. I will say the only disappointing part of yesterday is that now every day the sun sets a little bit later and before you know it, spring will be in the air, puke.

I like winter because it is a miserable time of year here in the Northeastern part of the United States. I like that people are cranky. I like that people get Seasonal Affective Disorder. I like that misery is in the air. Why? No, not because I want people to be unhappy and dejected but this is the only time of year that I can relate to other people’s disposition. That’s right fuckers; the gloominess you experience for the next ninety days is the reality of my existence. I wish I could be happy like a New Kids on the Block pop anthem but it is just not my character. I could never be happy unless I knew everything and everybody else in the world was happy and then I’d still probably question how everything and everybody is so happy. It’s not my nature to be perky knowing about all the messed up injustices. But this is not about my mental stability this is about the magical Winter Wonderland that is upon us.

I will admit I am not a fan of the cold or the snow and ice. Snow and ice are a pain in the balls. They are such an inconvenience. They are pests, like somebody you have sex with once and then they won’t leave you alone. Annoying, or so the people I won’t leave alone tell me. As for the cold, it is not for me. I know that women are always cold. This is because women store heat in their womb area as women’s function is to have babies. Hey, don’t get mad at me, get mad at biology. Anyway, I am far more cold then the average woman. (Insert hack icy cunt jokes here.) I have the body temperature of a corpse. The cold is not for me. Perfect weather for me is hot, dry and dark; perhaps this is the reason why I am instinctually drawn to Las Vegas. (Talk about misery, heat and broken dreams all rolled into one, it’s like a paradise for me, especially once you throw in the drinking, smoking, whoring and Treasure Island Casino.)

So enjoy your winter season peeps, the outdoor sports, the shoveling, the snowman building, the fattening (I’ve got a jump start on the activity) and the slowly sinking into madness like it’s the Overlook Hotel.

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