Tag Archives: movie

I Was Right

I watched All Eyez On Me and boy, oh boy, was I right about it. It was not good at all. Aside from the music, the whole thing was super corny.

I hope they took liberties with the storyline because it stunk.

The acting was not good either, dear Lord, maybe that’s why there was no Oscars So White hashtag this time around. (Though I didn’t much like the N.W.A. movie either.)

I wouldn’t waste time watching this, but I felt I had to give it a try after allowing myself to sit through the Schumer-Hawn flop Snatched. To be fair, the Tupac movie was far better.

Tagged ,

Movie Magic

Image result for mercedes lane license to drive

I was at work the other day and realized there is somebody in my company with the name Mercedes Lane.

MERCEDES LANE!!!!!

Holy cow! For those of you not in the know, that was the character played by a very young Heather Graham in the Corey Haim-Corey Feldman teen romp License to Drive.

You know? The soundtrack featured the great Billy Ocean’s Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car.

I can’t believe it.

I want to meet her.

It’s MERCEDES LANE!!!!

Tagged ,

It’s Not So Much The Fatso Aspect

Last week it was announced that there would be a live-action Barbie movie which sounds horrendous. Along with this Hollywood declaration, there was an even more disturbing revelation, that Amy Schumer may be tapped to play the role of Barbie.

Of course, the people freaked out and started berating her for being fat and that she could not fill Barbie’s stilettos. Now, it is rather obvious that Schumer is indeed far too rotund to ever take on this role, but her fatness is not what irked me.

The problem with having her be Barbie is that she is far too old. I’m saying this as an old lady. Schumer is pushing forty. Barbie is a twenty-something. I’m sorry but I can’t suspend disbelief.

If Schumer looked younger, perhaps this would not be an issue but she is a prime example of how heavy drinking is not good for one’s system. Again, I say this as an elderly fatty who used to drink hardcore. If she does not stop partaking in the spirits she will have Hillary Clinton face within the next five years. (Though perhaps as an I’m With Her enthusiast, this is the look she’s going for.)

Regardless, the fact remains that she is too aged to be Barbie and that is the real problem with this potential casting choice.

Tagged , ,

The Reviews Are In

I am always behind in watching newer films because they are usually horrendous. Here are a few that I recently watched.

The Danish Girl: I didn’t care for this one bit. I didn’t think the acting was good though the Academy thinks very differently. It was boring. Plus, I just can’t stand Eddie Redmayne’s face, can we stop casting him please?

Brooklyn: I did not care for the plot of the film but if you like this sort of love story thing then you will like this. The acting was really good. I also came to the conclusion the Emory Cohen is the best looking average looking guy.

Heart of the Sea: I’m over CGI. I really wanted to like this movie but it underwhelmed. The acting was atrocious and the special effects were too much, it took you right out of the movie.

Suffragette: I have no idea why I even did this to myself as I do not support women’s suffrage, hey I’ll give up my vote if the rest of these bird brains lose theirs. The plot was awful. I thought the acting would be decent since Helena Bonham Carter and Carey Mulligan are usually pretty good but even they couldn’t save this mess. It was great if you’re into movies about victimhood and don’t care about film aesthetics in the slightest.

Perhaps the next time I write about current films there will be a bit more positivity, but I won’t hold my breath.

Tagged ,

Lets Just Ruin Everything

In light of the Ghostbusters that is now revamped with an all female cast premiering in a month, I have taken it upon myself to come up with some more movies that can be remade. These are all movies that were a male cast and should now be replaced by all women. I mean, why not? Hollywood can’t come up with an original ideas these days so why not just scrape the complete bottom of the barrel? I mean, once you hit rock bottom, there’s nowhere to go but up. Before I list the potential remakes I just want to clarify that I’m not some huge Ghostbusters  fan but I think the concept behind the reboot is completely retarded.

Here are the movies that should get the feminized treatment:

  1. Goodfellas
  2. Cop Land
  3. Bang The Drum Slowly
  4. The Outsiders
  5. The Untouchables
  6. The Godfather Parts 1 and 2
  7. Apocalypse Now
  8. Platoon
  9. Caddyshack
  10. Mean Streets

Just completely fuck up all these works by replacing them with females. As they say, burn it down. Then we can hopefully rebuild.

Tagged ,
%d bloggers like this: