Tag Archives: boys

Running Things, Son

I was on yet another stroll and I was thinking about random things and the time in high school this kid Pat came up to me and our mutual friend Jody and said, “I’ve got a big whatthafuck for you?”

He said it so quickly we both had no idea what he was saying. I said, “What?”

He responded, “A what-tha-fuck? Something that you see and makes you go what the fuck?”

I had no idea what made me think of this and then like I was Nostradamus, there it was. There were five college boys jogging in nothing but shorts. What the fuck?

They were all built and tanned. I was blatantly starring at them as they moved by me. What else was I to do?

Where did they come from and do they run this route daily at this time?

Of course, I’m old enough to be their mother, but they sure did give this old lady a delight.

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I recently realized that I’ve been checking out guys who are in their early twenties. Some of them are fine as fuck, but it really startled me that these fellas are catching my gaze.

Fist and foremost, I’m way too old to be looking at them like that. I could potentially be their mother if I was a total slut who had an accident in high school which is just gross. I come from a time when being a teen mom didn’t get you a reality television show, but rather accurately labeled you as an irresponsible whore.

The second shocking jolt was that I never liked guys in their early twenties, even when I was that age. I always had a thing for men who are at least a decade older than me. Why now at pushing forty have I suddenly started to fancy these youngins? It’s not like I’m some sort of real housewife. I am not trying to cling to my youth desperately. Quite frankly, I’m old and obsolete and there is not much I can do to change this.

I’ll tell you though, I may not be sure why I sudden have this sudden lust for sweet looking boys, but they are rather aesthetically pleasing.


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What A Question

The best question I was asked at work today was, “Do you know how to spell gonorrhea?”

Thank God for two people that work with me that keep me sane.

Bless them for being complete nincompoops.

Yes, they are males, white and straight, the perfect trifecta for not giving a darn and I applaud it.

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What a Waste

I was looking at these two dudes that were working out and they were super jacked. They legit had not an ounce of fat on them. Their faces weren’t bad either. Everything about this setup should lead to perfection, but unfortunately these two poor individuals had something working against them that they can never fix. No, not that they’re black, but they’re short.

How short were they? Well they were my height. I’m five feet, five and-a-half inches tall. Not bad for a girl, but devastating for a guy. All these kooks try and say that there is no difference between men and women, then why are short guys less physically attractive to women in general? Don’t get huffy with me, this is scientifically proven.

I just don’t know why these two guys were bothering to work so hard on their bodies when they have miniature stature. I get they want to be physically fit, but seriously, unless they find some girls that are less than five feet tall, who is going to be feeling them? I know that they are stronger than me and have muscles, but the fact that I can look them in the eyes without wearing heels, makes me feel like I could stand a chance in a fight with them, their muscles lose all intimidation.

Nobody wants a shrimp with muscles, except at a seafood buffet. (See how Little Ruthy Hackett incorporated shellfish humor into this?)


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Boys, Boys, Boys


Once again, music has proved how much of an old lady I really am. I realize that every generation has their versions of boy bands. When I was just an innocent youth the big boy bands were New Edition and New Kids On The Block. I liked the music of these bands as much as I liked all the other pop hit stuff that the Top 40 radio stations would play and MTV screened on their video playlist. I was not a super fan. I did not have a favorite. Then there was the band Color Me Badd that had a little bit of a nice run especially with their cameo on Beverly Hills 90210, you know the episode, “Things To Do On A Rainy Day,” when David, Brenda, Kelly and Donna chase the band around a hotel and Donna bumps into her mom who she catches having an affair. Then there was a lull thanks to grunge and alternative music until the late 1990’s and early 2000’s.

With the dawn of TRL, every boy band imaginable came into the limelight, ‘N Sync, Backstreet Boys, 98 Degrees, B2K and O Town. This was weird because now these boy band members were within my age group. Again, I did not really think any of them were particularly good looking and yes, I did rather enjoy the music. (I know that I should be ashamed of this but I’m secure enough in my poor feel for song to own up to these skeletons.) So there were all these boys, dancing, prancing, singing and having a jolly good time and eventually just like the housing market in 2008 that bubble burst.

So here we are in 2012 and wouldn’t you know it, they’re back, this time the front runners are both British invasions, One Direction and The Wanted. I don’t think I know any of their songs but maybe if you played one I’d say that I have definitely heard it I just didn’t know it was their song. I know one of the dudes from One Direction is the dick of the month for my favorite whore, Taylor Swift. I know that One Direction does a Pepsi commercial with Drew Brees. I know they were on the Brit version of X Factor. I don’t know as much about The Wanted except that they seem more of the bad boys of the boy band realm and that one of their members is super hot. This kid is like a super twink, holy shit; he must get propositioned by every female and homosexual male across the globe. He’s the kind of good looks that make straight guys have to at least admit to themselves that he is one good looking dude.

Now, this is when it hit me like Britney’s Baby One More Time, I am old. I should not know who these little boys are. I should definitely not be thinking that any of them look hot. I am an old lady creep. I now know how Demi Moore and Sharon Stone feel. Those old bags of bones bitches should feel ashamed. I’m way too old to know that these kids even exist. I should not know who they are dating, I feel as soulless as an entertainment news reporter from Access Hollywood. I feel like my new best friends should be Roman Polanski and Woody Allen. I am a despicable, aged ghoul. I should be rocking out with Sally Field and Jamie Lee Curtis at a party where we crush up and snort Boniva pills and then do Activia-vodka infused chasers. I should not be masturbating to some super hot boy. (I can neither confirm nor deny this last statement as I don’t know if me doing so somehow qualifies as some sort of weird statutory rape or child porn.) I am as awful as the music these boy bands produce or so I imagine because I still am not sure if I know any of their songs.

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