Let It All Go

 

See the source image I am obviously not getting in better shape so why not just let nature take its course?

I think with the new year, I have decided to just let myself go and get like crazy fat.

How fat?

Fat enough to be on a reality television show about my fatness. I would probably make better money than my current situation is giving me.

I want to get like so fat that I could be in fetish porn. So fat that people look at me and ask how a person can be so fat?

I would finally be allowed to wear my dream of velour sweat suits all the time.

Plus, once you go like that, you have to stay that way, otherwise there is a ton of extra skin that needs to get cut off, like an out of control circumcision.

Why not? Getting fat has helped so many undeserving females get famous. Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham, Lindy West.

I would be the least detestable of the lot.

I christen 2019, The Year of Fat.

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The Year That Is

Free Stock Photo 13133 Festive sparkling 2019 New Year ...Today marks the start of a new year, so what will be different?

  1. I will most likely be dismissed from my Corporate living hell due to what will be deemed an unacceptable outburst.
  2. I will only go to high-end strip clubs on a week day instead of ghetto, gutter trash clubs.
  3.  Impractical Jokers will still be the funniest show on television, but I would imagine their live touring improv show is garbage.
  4. Louis CK will lead comedy to be funny again.
  5. I will have weight fluctuation like I’m Oprah yet again and will end the year larger than desired.
  6. Kendall Jenner will come out and will date some very random celebrity to ensure it is the talk of the town.
  7. The wall is not going to happen.

Guess we will revisit these predictions on December 31, 2019. Let’s see where this roller coaster of insanity will take us.

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The Year That Was: 2018

 

See the source imageWith 2018 wrapping up, it is a time for reflection. Here are some things that I have learned from the last year:

  1. Corporate work environment is very similar to living in a Communist regime.
  2. Perhaps I’m too old to be in a bathroom stall of a strip club holding a stripper’s bag of coke while she goes tinkle in front of me on a Thursday night.
  3.  Impractical Jokers remains to be the funniest show on television.
  4. The old Louis CK is back and funny again.
  5. I am ending another year in a state of fattening that needs to cease.
  6. Kendall Jenner should officially come out because we all know she is a lipstick butch.
  7. The wall is never going to happen.

 

Guess we will just have to see what 2019 holds.

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Worth the Listen

When people actually wrote good jokes. Greg Giraldo was so good. These roasts don’t even do him justice.

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