I am obviously not getting in better shape so why not just let nature take its course?
I think with the new year, I have decided to just let myself go and get like crazy fat.
Fat enough to be on a reality television show about my fatness. I would probably make better money than my current situation is giving me.
I want to get like so fat that I could be in fetish porn. So fat that people look at me and ask how a person can be so fat?
I would finally be allowed to wear my dream of velour sweat suits all the time.
Plus, once you go like that, you have to stay that way, otherwise there is a ton of extra skin that needs to get cut off, like an out of control circumcision.
Why not? Getting fat has helped so many undeserving females get famous. Amy Schumer, Lena Dunham, Lindy West.
I would be the least detestable of the lot.
I christen 2019, The Year of Fat.