Category Archives: Sad but True

The Legend of Ruth Sophy

I was out on the town the other night with a buddy I had not seen in a while. He suggested we go to some shitty local bar which I had not been to in probably 13 years. I was fine with the selection because I figured, it is a Tuesday night, I’m old and I won’t know anybody there.

So I went out in my best hoodie and high ponytail to play some Keno.

The bartenders switched shifts. We’re playing Keno and drinking.

Then the bartender who took over says to me, “You look really familiar.”

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints. Is this like a weird pickup. I’m an old lady who appears to be a degenerate drinker and gambler, don’t hit on me man. However it was worse then a bad pickup.

I shrugged him off like I’ve never seen him before because, well, I didn’t know the man. Then he says, “Did you used to bartend somewhere?” Jesus, fuck!

“Yes, a very long time ago, I’m a very old lady,” I replied, thinking this would be the end. Nope.

“Where?” he asked. So I said where and he scream, “Yes, that’s it,” and turns to the other bartender who had ended his shift and tells him where I bartended.

So now this means it could be really good or really bad for me, normally I was really drunk when I bartended so I have no idea if I pissed them off or not, so I made some jokes about it and they seemed cool with it.

At no point did I say my name to the bartender.

Picture it, later that evening a few more buddies showed up so we were all buying drinks for one another. So one of them wanted to buy a round and the bartender says, “Oh, Ruth got those.”

WHAT! This creep not only remembered exactly who I was but knew my name.

I suppose I should be flattered that eleven years since my departure of the bar scene not only am I still fondly remembered, but apparently I look just as good as I did over a decade ago.

It’s either that or I force fed them shots till they got DUIs.

 

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Questionable

So a guy showed me his playlist and I thought two things:

Number one, I’m pretty sure he is gay, not that I care, but there was always speculation so I think this seals the deal.

Number two, I really have atrocious taste in music. I am straight up pop loving. It is really pathetic. It can be any kind of popular music, but I am all about the Top 40. Although perhaps not so much with new music. I’m not so good with it, I randomly like new songs, but not consistently. Like I don’t get Drake or Imagine Dragons.

I suppose my taste in music is just as questionable as this dude’s sexuality.

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Haunting

Who here remembers an actor by the name of Patrick Muldoon? Yes, it is a very 1990’s throwback. He was on Days of Our Lives as well as Melrose Place and who could forget him as Jeff, the man who snagged Kelly from Zack on Saved By the Bell. He was a pretty good looking dude.

The other day I see this show called, The Haunting Of which is apparently about a washed up,sort of known celebrity at one point and their experience with an entity from the beyond. Anyway, the one that I happened by was that of Patrick Muldoon. I saw this and I screamed, “Patrick Muldoon!” Talk about a person that I completely forgot about. That’s when it happened they showed Patrick Muldoon which was the scariest part of the show.

What happened? He wasn’t fat or bald, but he just didn’t age well. It is more devastating when a man ages poorly than a woman. It is expected that women age like shit, but dudes usually look pretty good with some extra years on them. It was shocking.

It was almost as bad as when I recently saw Tom Selleck hawking something for elderly people in a commercial. He was so good looking as Thomas Magnum. He looks horrendous. His wig, that looks like something form the John Travolta collection, is doing him no favors either.

I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I was never good looking, a much shorter fall form grace.

 

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Beach Body Ready

I was appalled to learn last summer that Jonah Hill had lost an immense amount of weight.

I’m pretty sure he did the surgery thing, but that’s neither here nor there.

I had to come to terms with the idea that I was perhaps fatter than Jonah Hill, a tough pill to swallow.

I knew in my heart that he would gain the weight back and it looks like this is in progress.

However, I may not be fatter than Jonah anymore, but I still need to lose some LBs.

I’m too old to have another fat summer.

By the way, fuck him and Michael Cera for their absolutely retarded outfits.

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The Fantasy

You know when you really want to have sex with somebody, but you know there is no possibility it will ever happen so you just have to think about basically sexually assaulting them? I know that people say when you finally get something you want you don’t really appreciate it and I’m fine with that. I really, really want to fuck this guy. The sad part is that I know it is not going to happen. I’m not asking for much, just some dick. I would do all the work, I’m fine with that.

Some people enjoy the fantasizing, I hate it. Every person I’ve really wanted to hook up with, not counting  famous people, I’ve always gotten to. It may not have been right away, but it eventually happens. I’m like a toxic substance, you may be infected, but it may take some time for you to really fall ill. Anyway, though the reality of being intimate with these people may not have been as good as it was built up in my mind, I prefer knowing that I landed that deal.

I think this person I’ve aimed my heat-seeking missile on is immune to my toxicity. I know, who could not be obsessed with me? Okay, fine, I get I’m horrible, but it is obvious that I’m the type of gal who would be a soldier in the sack. I’m not asking for forever, I’m asking for like a quick minute of your entire life. I feel like an evil villain who is consumed with this one task. The sad part is that this mission will not be accomplished and that reality, I don’t accept.

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