Category Archives: Rant It Up

That Seems Like A Lot

I was trying to make plans with a guy I’m friends with and he said he couldn’t go with me because his girlfriend would “castrate” him.

So I sort of understand this, but at the same time I don’t.

I understand that if you’re in a relationship that there is the perception problem. It’s bad optics if your man is out with another girl or vice versa.

However, I’ve known this guy for like 15 years.

At this juncture I  would have already fucked him if I wanted to, I haven’t.

If I was trying to be serious with him I would have already made a play. No interest.

So obviously there is nothing sexual going on, so do my years of friendship get negated simply because I have a pussy?

If I had a dick I could chill with him to my heart’s content? What if I identify as having a cock, do I get a pass?

I’m also sort of annoyed that he can’t tell her there’s nothing to be worried about. Why is he with somebody so psycho?

I’m old, washed up and obsolete which basically means everybody I know is married or in a relationship. So now I can’t hang out with them?

Or even worse, only see them if they are with their significant other.

I can’t make new friends. I’m only with my old friends because they’ve been grandfathered into my life at this point.

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Spit It Out Already

The other day I was texting with my buddy who I have not seen in a while.

I wanted to know if he wanted to go do something later in the week.

He responded but then added a little gem. He wrote, “I ran into your buddy (insert name) a few weeks ago.”

First of all, he was being facetious about the “buddy” part. The guy he was referencing is somebody from a long time ago that I could not stand.

Second, I have not thought about that character in ages.

Lastly, I don’t have animosity for that idiot, I just don’t care for him at this point.

Quite frankly, I feel the need to reassess my friendship with the dude who text me that. He’s like a fucking yenta.

What did he want my response to be? I completely ignored it.

Was he thinking I would give a shit? I don’t care about that discarded loser. I do care about my current friend being lame as fuck like an old housewife.

I can’t wait till I see him to bash him for his bitch-like nonsense.

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Four Eyes

Has anybody else noticed this accessory trend of women putting on glasses to appear more intellectual?

Sorry sweetheart, you’re not fooling anybody.

Zack Morris used to do this trick. It’s like a bad episode of Saved by the Bell come to life.

How did this start and when will it end?

I swear this nerd culture takeover is going to be the death of me.

Remember when people with glasses were four-eyed freaks? Yes, the good old days of simpler times.

The saddest part is that as soon as they put on the spectacles they try and speak like they are some genius, but can barely articulate a coherent thought.

The old saying used to be, “you wouldn’t punch somebody wearing glasses, right?”

Yes, yes, I absolutely would.

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It never ceases to amaze just how self-absorbed people are. I learned a very long time ago that nobody really cares when you are around and once you are gone they don’t care at all. However, you would like to think that people could have the self-respect to be honest.

It does not bother me if you think that you are some great person, the reality is that you are not. You have no loyalty. I suppose I blame myself in that no good deed goes unpunished. It really is against my general nature to help other people and I should learn not to since every single time I get burnt.

I did a lot for you. I listened to your horseshit. I helped you advance yourself as a person and in your field of work. But now that you believe I serve no purpose I am dismissed.

Not to mention, most people don’t like you and I actually humanized you. You come off like an autistic fool. You are just an uncomfortable being.

I have lost nothing. I am amused that you think your cold shouldering is hurtful. It’s not, it is annoying. You wasted my time and there is nothing that irritates me more.

Thanks for no longer wasting my time.

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The Married Life

When Donald Trump won the election, I was very happy.

I said the way I felt must be what brides feel like on their wedding day. And just like with marriage, this presidency had a honeymoon phase.

I was supportive of the tax cuts and the North Korea meeting. I started to get impatient with the embassy move in Israel. I liked the Supreme Court Justice picks. I did not understand his cabinet picks, including the dismissal of Jeff Sessions. Nor did I care for his silence when any of his supporters would get attacked.

Much like marriage, there were highs and lows, but hey, you’re married so you try and stick it out.

The one thing that eats away is none of the immigration promises are being upheld. That was my baby. The only reason I got married was so I could have this kid and now you’re saying you don’t want to be a parent. I thought we would be so happy with a wall, an immigration moratorium and an executive order to end anchor babies, but all of a sudden it is a complete 180. I’m going to die barren!

And so with time the things that you once enjoyed about your partner are just annoying. Sure the twitter slams were funny, but I need more than funny to keep things afloat.

Of course as in any marriage you expect there to be a side bitch, but why pick one that devastates me? Jared Kushner. Why can’t you listen to Stephen Miller? Is it because he is not your son-in-law? If so, lets get Tiffany to D.C. in a hurry. At least give me a side piece I can stomach.

I don’t want to get a divorce, but it is looking like it is on the horizon if he can’t come through with the big, beautiful wall I was promised for over a year.

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