Fly the Friendly Skies

In my recent travels I realized just how impatient I truly am. I am just not built to be in general population.

I hate flying because it always reminds me of how fat I am. I have never got into a seat and had to adjust the belt to make it tighter, I always have to loosen it. Thank you for rubbing in my face my level of rotund.

On my departure flight, we were not delayed, instead they had us sitting on the tarmac for almost two hours waiting to de-ice. I was looking around the plane and nobody seemed to be even slightly annoyed by this. I was ready to lose my mind. They were giving us little communication on a time frame for lift off. I was the only one fidgeting around and sighing in annoyance.  I don’t know if this makes me the crazy one or if everybody else is certifiable.

Later on, I’m watching reruns of Impractical Jokers on the tiny screen on the back of the chair in front of me when a stewardess stops and says, “Excuse me miss.” I was flattered by the Miss instead of a Ma’am, but it was dark so I can’t take it as a real compliment. Anyway, I’m thinking I’m trouble for something, but she wanted to stop so she could tell me all bout how she loves Impractical Jokers. How she just saw them live and they were so funny, how she follows them on Instagram and I should too, how she knows they fly her airline and wishes they would be on one of her flights so she could tell them all of her jokes that she has for them and that she loves when she sees an episode she has not seen before.

Of course, I hate myself because I’m so engaged and polite in the conversation and I’m sickening myself with my level of nice. I was such a phony baloney. In reality when she tapped me on the shoulder and started the conversation, I thought maybe she was hitting on me. She was a cute little twenty-something. Then the whole conversation, I just wish I could have answered what I was really thinking. I don’t care that you saw them live and I’m sure it was not funny because improv stinks. I don’t really do social media because it’s lame and following people on these channels is a lazy man’s version of stalking. I guarantee her jokes are wretched and unfunny and the fact the she knows they fly her airline is creepy and that she has built this insane psycho para-social relationship with these people she does not know.

I make myself ill thinking about my fake exchange.

I’m just not meant to be out there, I should definitely be segregated.

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