Well, well, well, it is President’s Day once again and I have to admit I am very disappointed not only in myself but in the general public. Last year I wrote a brilliant, riveting post on President’s Day about how we should overthrow the government and implement my Ruthless Regime, which would obviously be headed by yours truly. (To refresh your memory here is last year’s post.) I can’t believe that I am not in power, it is ludicrous. I am willing to still offer my services to lead you to salvation. It actually works out rather perfectly as I am currently seeking new employment options.
I would stick to all that I have preached in last year’s brief manifesto. I am still for my eye for an eye style of punishment for criminal acts. So all those partaking in the worldstarhiphop.com beat downs that are posted to the internet you better watch out because when you are caught that’s going to be like my Roman Emperor, gladiator style of entertainment. All you will be so brutally beaten you will be pissing blood for months if you don’t die. Of course, it will be an event with a live studio audience that will be chanting explicatives mixed with the word nigger repeatedly as is the dialogue in mostly every worldstarhiphop.com beating I’ve ever watched. I would also uphold my promise to torture those that I hate. I would strap one vapid twat I detest in a Clockwork Orange style seat and play her nothing but educational documentaries. I think her tiny little brain would ooze out of her ear because her only well-versed knowledge is that of reality television programming.
My crazy marine friend would still be in charge of military and defense. I like that drones are in the mix now, not because I really care about spying on people they just seem like a really cool version of remote control toy helicopters. There are definitely a few people I would deport. The fair skinned one would go to the closest point to the equator, the fatso one would go to Somalia so he’d starve and then his belly would be bloated from malnourishment as opposed to Chicken Parmesan, another would go to North Korea to one of the labor camps because she has no skills except whoring and she’s too ugly for that to be her skill and lastly one would go to a Siberian prison because he’s a brown skinned cunt and my comrades don’t care for that kind so it would not be a pleasant stay, it would make the first prison he resided in look like the Four Seasons.
I still endorse the legalization of drugs and prostitution and making our school systems competitive once again. Yes, the dumb children will go to trade schools because that’s where they belong. As far as entertainment, I would have propaganda films made because if you’ve ever watched a propaganda film they are very funny. I would still allow Bret Easton Ellis free reign in the entertainment industry. I would also make David Simon make more episodes of The Wire or at least make a feature length film based on the show. Of course, Doug Stanhope is still more than welcome to be my court jester at my palace. (In all seriousness I think this is the year that Stanhope gets like household name big.)
So yeah, I’m not sure why I’m not in power, it really isn’t that crazy. I mean if Obama got re-elected after doing nothing in his first four years, yeah, yeah, Bin Laden, what else you got? Then just maybe it is not so farfetched that I, Ruth Mazo, could rule with an iron fist. Plus wouldn’t the masses love Joke of the Week from Little Ruthy Hackett every single week? Obviously they would, I can already hear the uprisings, you’ve all seen the Arab Spring videos, follow that blueprint and lets make the Ruthless Regime a reality.