I know what you’re thinking, who the fuck is the no-name nothing nobody at the end and why the fuck is she listed amongst greatness? These two were once at the top of their fields and you are a loser. All of these thoughts are absolutely correct. Well, the reason I’m there is because me and these fellas have a few things in common. I will start by saying that both Larry Bird and Patrice O’Neal are probably two of my all time favorite celebrities. What do we have in common you ask? Number one, we all have some sort of connection with Massachusetts. Obviously, Bird was the man when he played for the Celtics. Patrice was born in Roxbury and started his stand-up career in Boston. I hail from the heroin capital of New England. Number two, we all share the same birthday. We are all December 7 babies. Number three, although they were a thousand times better at it than I could ever be, we are all shit talkers.
Larry Bird was a man’s man. I mean his back injury came from him laying down a new driveway for his mother during off season while he was at the peak of his career. I do not think any athlete would be doing that sort of thing nowadays. Anyway, I love watching documentaries about that era of the Celtics because it was my childhood but mostly because that’s when I learned that Bird would talk mad junk on the court and he was apparently really good at. I also learned from various co-workers that are older than me that when they were in their twenties and Bird was playing for the Celtics he was a dick if he was out at a bar. He would expect to get everything free. Yes it’s kind of douche move but it’s like Larry Bird at the height of being Larry Bird.
Now Patrice O’Neal may be my favorite comedian of all time and I hate that he is no longer with us. Patrice was the best. He would just drop the best shit talk and it would always be super funny. He would say something that was so on point and so insulting that it would completely shut down the other person but it would make the other person laugh because it was that good. Patrice was brutal.
So a happy birthday to my fellow December 7’s. I wish that I could have an ounce of the greatness of you two legends. Also, my condolences to anybody who lost someone or was affected by Pearl Harbor.