Yesterday was a day of tradition when I, my friend and her father ventured out to a local fair. I love going for many reasons including the company, the people watching, the activities and the food. My friend and her dad are a barrel of laughs. The people watching is fantastic. The fair is in a small town and it is totally country. I have no need to venture to the Midwest or the Deep South because this fair embodies every small town hickish, bumpkin stereotype. (People wear t-shirts with wolves howling at the moon and eagles soaring in front of an American flag in a completely non-ironic way.) The activities are totally entertaining from carnival games to pig races to a petting zoo. (This year they upped the ante and there were elephants who were dancing to Eminem and Rhianna’s Love the Way You Lie.) Of course the best part of the fair is the food. It is a fatso’s fantasy. There are stands for fried dough, pizza, hot dogs, sausage, French fries, onion rings, ice cream, deep fried funnel cakes, Oreos, Twinkies and candy bars, Gobbler sandwich, Polish cuisine, Mexican delicacies and anything else that makes this country of ours so morbidly obese.
We had a blast! It was funny because this was the first year that we ran into people we knew. It was embarrassing because you don’t want to admit you actual attend such an affair. It was people I really like but they were there with their young kid. My posse was there like a bunch of creepy idiots. The run in made me feel like I was in a gay bar in the 1950’s and having a run-in with someone you know and trying to come up with an excuse as to why were there and claiming you were there because you like the band and not because you’re trolling to suck dick. We parted ways with me thinking, well, that couple has seen me do far worse in much dirtier places so I was over it rather quickly.
So we three musketeers ventured into the fair. We watched the pig races which is my favorite thing. They also do a race where the pigs go swimming called Pig Paddling Porkers. (I still think that this sounds like the name of porn featuring tubby girls.) The pigs ruled. Check out the video of them here. We then went to see the elephants. I learned that elephants have this dry, cracked ashy sort of skin. This made me think of one my friends from years ago. I was at his place and he had a bunch of lotions and I was like do you like a variety for when you beat off and he explained that he needs the lotion or his skin will get ashy and dry. (Yes, he was black.) After the elephants we went and played carnival games. I got killed at every game by my friends until the last game which was a Whack-A-Mole like game where I won and earned myself Charlie Tuna. (Pictured above.)
I should mention we did eat come pretty dope carnie grub, French fries, sausage, onion rings and ice cream in waffle cones. It was fantastic. As always it was an eventful day at the fair. I’m sad there were no tractor pulls or demolition derbies going on while we were there. That’s when you get to experience the real levels of white trash. It makes me feel like I’m Britney Spears.