This Is My Phone. There Are Many Others Like It But This One Is Mine.

Pictured above is my dear old cellular phone. I like it. It is very durable, simple and reliable. It gets the job done. It serves its purpose. Sure, it’s not all flashy and Internet savvy and maybe it has no concept of what an “app” is but all those things are frills, not necessities. I am so sick and tired of other people verbally abusing my poor defenseless phone and that is why I’m taking the time to defend its honor.

If I hear one more idiot say, “It’s like the Zack Morris phone,” and think they are clever with that analogy I will take their easily breakable cell phone and slam it on the ground. That pun is not clever, original or even mildly comical, even Little Ruthy Hackett thinks that joke stinks. Everybody mocks my phone; it is being bullied for no reason. Why does anybody care what sort of phone I have? In the words of an idiot I once knew, “It doesn’t affect how I sleep at night.” My phone has no bearing or influence on any other person’s life aside from mine and I’m fine with it. I also feel like why should I upgrade phones? I don’t need Internet access as I’m near a computer most of the day. All these Smartphones require a data plan. I looked up pricing through my provider’s site yesterday; the cheapest monthly plan with a Smartphone is one hundred dollars not including tax. That’s highway robbery! I’m not paying that much. It is completely unnecessary and frivolous for a person in my situation to pay that outlandish amount.

My phone is basic but it gets shit done. I don’t need a fancy-pants phone, nobody is contacting me. It’s not like my phone blows up. I will get on average maybe three brief phone calls a week and probably about twenty text messages a week. It’s not like I’m in hot demand over here. If I wasn’t me I wouldn’t be trying to contact me either. I virtually don’t have any use for a cell phone aside from maybe a random emergency situation. At this point, my phone is more like a glorified pager.

I just want all those people who poke fun of my telecommunication equipment to realize they are hurting my phone’s feelings. It has started to slowly cut itself, the space button for texting has been sticking and the inside is peeling. I have been through many phones and I don’t want this story to end the way the other stories ended, with cellular suicide. My phones get so depressed that they will either decide to plunge to their deaths into a toilet bowl as I drunkenly text and drown or throw themselves into a wall at high speeds to splatter their parts all over, some to never be found at the accident site. So please refrain from upsetting my phone, the last thing I need to come home to is my laptop open and my phone hanging from a noose because it has discovered a Facebook page dedicated to making fun of it. The last thing we need is another social media bullying statistic.

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